


dear me: growing up but i'm feeling so lonely

by summerela



Series: strong bonds don't break [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Band Fic, M/M, bon appetit!, hints of other platonic pairings because renjun/everyone is truly the way to go, renjun's mind is chaos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-07-29 00:06:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20072842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerela/pseuds/summerela
Summary: If affection were a comet, it would pass by Renjun every ten years. Their meeting never incidental.Rather, being affectionate never came easily to Renjun.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Side fic to 'let me know if you need me'. More Renjun-centric than anything)

It's an undeniable fact that Renjun isn't a very affectionate person. 

From his spot on the couch, he casually looks around at his friends, the rest of Dream. It's a slow day, for once, and while everyone's keeping themselves busy in the dorms, Renjun finds himself sporting a contemplative gaze as he lets his eyes wander.

He knows he spares the kisses and hugs, preferring to sling an arm around one of the other's shoulders or to semi-playfully put a headlock on the younger ones to cover up his own embarrassment. He's not like Donghyuck, who likes to putter around like a bee and aim for obnoxious smooches on unsuspecting cheeks. Nor is he like Jaemin, who proudly sniffs into their hair as a form of affection and breathes out alarmingly close against their necks during cuddling. 

It comes to a realization that this dissonance intensified even more when Mark graduated, leaving Renjun to be the resident eldest of the group. Indirectly giving him the invisible burden of being the most responsible one.

With that responsibility comes managing his emotions - a control Renjun had a great handle on until he became the oldest member and like a rite of passage, the pressure that came with every flaw of his was mentally laid out before him. 

Renjun hates moments like these, when his private ponderings lead to unsettling thoughts. He puts his face in the palms of his hands and starts gently messaging his temples.

His sentiments towards the world are, synonymously enough, like an explosion of stars. Alluring and scary in its uncontrollable nature. They reside in a Pandora's box, a carefully sealed vessel containing only the most ugly and the most beautiful emotions. Renjun keeps his most turbulent ones away. Fear. Hurt. Anger. Unbridled devotion.

That's why he's lived so well offering sensitive comfort in times of need. That's why he's learned to control and to provide.

He understands.

It's fate that he's managed to last this long, in an industry inundated by skinship and overly friendly touches. He's supposed to have grown accustomed to the moments of intimacy as well as the moments of only experience-crafted courtesy. What a slap to the face that the times he needed to be composed the most slowly became the times he's slipped the most.

But for all the mistakes he's made, Renjun makes sure to rein himself in for the next time. After all, he came here to chase after his dream, and nothing will prevent him from achieving it. 

┈┈

The heat is harsh on Renjun's skin as he follows the others into the cooler area of the building. He fans his face with his hand, looking around at the equally as sweaty faces of his group members.

"If we have to stand another minute in that stifling heat, I think my face is going to melt off." Jaemin frowns and pinches the material of his shirt, pulling it away from sticking to his chest. It's a false sense of reprieve but the resigned grin on his face is better than his infamous pout.

"Maybe do us all a favor hyung."

Chenle doesn't seem as bothered by the heat, expending his extra energy by jumping up and down around the older boy. Fortunately for him, Jaemin's too annoyed by the heat to tickle the cackling boy.

Renjun looks around for their staff members and catches the eye of one of them as she's making her way to them.

"Renjun, can you take these for the other members? We're needed to finish preparations elsewhere while you guys are on break. Don't forget to make sure everyone's hydrated." The staff gives him packets of tissues and mini electric fans, along with some water bottles. 

He nods and walks over to the younger members with the items. Renjun smiles as Jeno graciously thanks him, patting the sweat on his faces. Jaemin comes next as he swoops in to hug Renjun but realizes how uncomfortable that would be. The embarrassed boy sidesteps Renjun with an apologetic and thankful hum after taking a water bottle. Chenle smiles brightly at him, chirping a 'thanks hyung!' before merrily skipping away with a mini fan.

Renjun wonders what he drank this morning to make him so hyper. But then again, Chenle has always liked looking at the brighter side of things.

With a shake of his head, he wonders where Jisung has slinked off to.

It doesn't take him long to find their youngest. His eyes catch sight of the dancer lying against a wall on the ground with eyes closed. Making a soft noise akin to worry, he makes his way over and crouches down in front of the dozing boy.

"Jisung-ah?" He softly calls out, already unconsciously bringing up one of the tissues in his hand to pat at Jisung's sweat-beaded forehead. The other boy groans and opens one eye. Renjun tries to go for a strained smile, vicariously feeling the ache in the other's body.

"Hyung? I'm thirsty." Jisung whispers out but he slowly gets up despite his previously comfortable, relaxing form.

Renjun wordlessly passes him the water bottle in his hand, letting Jisung grab his forearm for balance while the tired boy tries to take gulps of the refreshing beverage.

"Are you feeling okay enough to stand up?" He offers a hand which Jisung hesitantly takes and slowly drags the latter up. He holds back the grimace that has grown to flit occasionally across his face whenever he finds himself standing short next to Jisung's comparatively taller height.

"Sorry for that Renjun hyung, I guess I shouldn't have stayed up last night."

Jisung winces as Renjun starts to roughly pat his face for sweat, no doubt not accepting his excuse. He gives Renjun a hesitant smile when the latter subtly scowls, but the irritation the older had felt for the younger disappears when Renjun puts a fan up to Jisung's face.

Watching Jisung smile so happily and cutely instantly squashes the remains traces of annoyance in Renjun.

As peace is hard to come by at work when you're surrounded by six other rambunctious twelve year olds, Renjun isn't in the slightest bit surprised when he hears the telltale beginnings of a familiar high-pitched shriek.

"哥, stop babying Jisung! Break's over!" 

Renjun rolls his eyes at the break of rare silence, "Just admit you're jealous and move on, Chenle."

He watches Jisung laugh with a slight tingle in his chest. Ignoring the feeling, Renjun reaches up and pinches the maknae on the cheek.

"Ow hyunggg," Jisung whimpers.

"Payment for the service I provided, Jisungie. Simple transactions."

┈┈

"Injunnie, can you pass me the soy sauce~" Jaemin asks with a familiar lilt to his request despite the lack of cameras.

Renjun impassively stares back at him. The other boy grins Cheshire-ly in his seat across the table, patiently waiting for the oldest to respond. The busy noise of the restaurant almost drowns out Renjun's reply.

"Nope." He smirks.

However, he rolls his eyes when he sees the other bring his pointer and middle fingers to his cheeks.

"Kyu~"

Renjun returns the gesture, because he isn't Renjun if he doesn't fight aegyo with his own purposefully cringey aegyo. But he reverts back to his smirk after amusing the other, finding great enjoyment in the blonde's suffering.

"Still a no Jaemin-ah."

Jaemin, now betrayed by the circumstances, gets up in his seat and threateningly points his rice-covered chopsticks at him. "Why are you so mean to me Injun-ah?" 

Renjun only offers a half-smile teasingly.

His decision to withhold himself from helping the other vanishes when Jaemin stands up in the middle of the meal and the sudden screech of the seat sends Chenle yelping and almost dropping the piece of meat he was holding. They get into a fuss over wasted food, and Donghyuck jumps in to comment about how Chenle has butterfingers.

Only to get a Perilla leaf thrown at his face.

Renjun feels his eye twitch and he turns away from the scene. He wants to say he's glad Donghyuck's back with them, celebrating his return from the U.S. at their favorite restaurant. But does Renjun get paid enough to deal with these buffoons (even though Donghyuck probably deserves to fool around and expend his youthful energy with friends his age)?

Frankly not.

But he still reaches a hand out to grab the condiment.

His hand bumps into Jisung's clumsy hand, the youngest deciding to also help out but only by half a second late. He arches an eyebrow when Jisung makes no move to take back his hand. Now he's in this awkward situation where Jisung's larger hand envelopes Renjun's smaller one in a loose hold.

"I got it, hyung." Jisung has the audacity to say, stealing the soy sauce from Renjun's grip and leaning over the older to give it to Jaemin.

"And this, again, is why Jisung's my favorite child," Jaemin snobbishly says, giving everyone at the table a menacing squint sans Jeno, who's ignored everything's that's happened in the past five minutes.

_Be more like Jeno. Just eat your lunch and pretend you aren't surrounded by these lunatics, pretend you aren't-_

He takes that back when Jaemin proceeds to fling his body over the table to ruffle Jisung's hair, almost upsetting one of the soup bowls.

The exasperation in his sigh is clearly not enough.

"Once again I need to remind you that I'm the oldest here, Jaemin, in case you forgot that." 

"But how can you not be one of my children, Injunnie? You're the tiniest little munchkin to grace my presence!" Jaemin says, leaving no space for argument as he starts stuffing coriander into his mouth. Renjun watches on with barely concealed horror while Jeno, who isn't so fortunate being seated right next to the demon, coughs out loud from the strong smell of the vegetable.

"We will not bring my height up again. If you value your life, you wouldn't turn the topic of height against me."

There's a shift from beside him and Jisung slips in, nonchalantly grabbing Renjun's hand.

"You're tiny though hyung. See how small this hand is in mine?"

Renjun should've seen this coming, should've seen it a mile away when Mark graduated and the Canadian boy's old role of being teased mercilessly by the Dreamies is now glaringly empty. However, Renjun's always been a bit more hot headed than their oldest member.

"You're simply too tall and have big hands. You can't compare yourself to me!" 

Donghyuck snickers at Renjun's outburst, who immediately widens his eyes when he realizes he said that too loudly.

But Jisung smiles despite Renjun's impassioned remark. The curve of his lips too genuine.

"But it's an undeniable fact you're cute. Just accept it, hyung, and call it a day." He doesn't let go of Renjun's hand and under the curious gaze of the rest of the members, Renjun lets out a grunt before forcibly pulling his hand away.

"You better keep your eyes open tonight." 

Renjun has nothing left to say so he resumes eating, holding the feelings of slight indignation and bashfulness to himself.

It's nothing new to him. He admits he's a bit smaller in built, but he makes up for it with his skills. It's all in good nature anyways, so he trusts the members to not push too much.

In the middle of chewing on his chicken, he feels a prod to his side. He doesn't need to turn right to know it's Jisung accidentally bumping into him. But only when the younger boy starts making whining sounds, hand accidentally slapping Renjun's knee does Renjun look over to see what the fuss is about.

"Too spicy!" 

Renjun almost laughs when he sees the glowing red ears of the youngest, who's now panting for water and looking at Renjun with teary eyes.

"How cute," Renjun coughs to cover his chuckle, bringing the emergency carton of milk to Jisung's lips.

He stays by the other's side until he finishes and pats the other on the back. He internally coos when Jisung gives him a weak but grateful smile, cute eyes instantly turning deadly when the younger whips his head in the direction of the dying dolphin sounds.

"Chenle!"

Renjun shakes his head.

"Again Jisung?"

He only gets a blush in response, and Renjun sighs, asking the nearby waiter to please bring them some more banana milk.

┈┈ 

It hasn't felt much different, the gradual absence of Mark.

Sometimes Renjun finds himself wanting to turn to his right to say something to the oldest. But blatantly remembers he's now standing at the end of their formations by himself and that there isn't Mark to comfortingly put an arm around his shoulders or to guide his lost hands and lead the way. He wants to berate himself for those moments of doubt, a testimony only to how dependent he still feels on the other's presence.

It's unnerving that it's a voluntary reflex he has to learn to control in the half year leading up to their first comeback as six. That he has to craft a knee jerk response that won't mark him out to be one of the members who's suddenly lost without Mark being there for him.

For them.

That's why he finds himself in the filming studios, blankly looking at the wall as Jaemin, Jeno, and Jisung work on their rap lyrics.

_"You're coming with us to work on lyrics?" Jeno had curiously poked his head in their shared room, backpack open and already spilling out gum wrappers and pencils. The boy scrambles to put everything back with a sheepish grimace._

_Renjun snorts softly but still gives him an encouraging smile. Only because it's Jeno._

_"Of course, I'll be there as inspiration for you kids."_

_He hears a grunt, and sees Jaemin pushing the door open to wedge his body in between the bespectacled boy and the door frame._

_"We appreciate the sentiments Renjun, but we're not going to be writing lyrics anytime soon if we're still waiting on you." _ _His complaints are short-lived, however, when Renjun decides to shut him up by aiming his pillow at him._

_Jeno wheezes against the door frame, watching as Jaemin shriek and collapse onto the floor face down and butt up._

_Renjun rolls his eyes and returns to his desk to grab his notepad, just about ready to go when he hears soft knocking against the open door._

_"Hyung, you're coming?" Jisung's voice filters through Jaemin's exaggerated groans and Renjun looks up to see a small growing smile on the youngest's face._

_"Yeah, I'm there to make sure you guys feel motivated with my handsome face." He grins, finally leaving the room and side stepping Jaemin who's now at least sitting up, but still on the floor and pouting._

_Jisung grins back._

_"C'mon let's go." Jeno says and Renjun nods, already walking to the door with the two of them following after._

_At this moment, Chenle has walked out of the restroom having just scrubbed his face clean from another one of Donghyuck's pranks. The humming boy screams when he encounters Jaemin sitting in a daze, abandoned on the floor. _

_"Hyung...what are you-"_

_"You're the worst Injunnie! Even if you have a pretty face!" Jaemin bellows, scrambling to his feet and running after the others._

"Amazing, we're ten minutes in and you're already on another planet."

Jaemin has thrown one of the couch cushions at Renjun's face, probably as revenge for earlier, knocking Renjun out of his blank reverie. Neither Jeno nor Jisung have heard the quip or seen the attack, too busy mouthing along to words with their Airpods in (well at least Jisung can hear them, because he has regular earphones on but he averts his eyes when Renjun oh so casually catches his glance). 

"What the actual fuck," Renjun returns his attention to the disturber of the peace, glaring at the innocent smile upon Jaemin's face.

"Just saying. Why are you here again?" Jaemin puts on a saccharine tone, tipping back in his chair to eye Renjun challengingly. 

Renjun huffs and sits up straighter. He doesn't exactly have an answer. Why is he here again? He hasn't ever written lyrics before, much less rap lyrics. Why did he think he would be of any help to his group members?

His turmoil must've broken through his blank facade because Jaemin quickly drops the defiant act and scoots up to Renjun.

"Hey Injun, you okay? Did I say something?" 

The sudden caution in his voice throws Renjun off guard and he almost laughs at the insanity bubbling up within the deepest part of him. Their previous leader wouldn't have cracked under the pressure. He would've taken it in stride with an embarrassed, easygoing grin, before leaning over to help with the lyrics.

Of course he's still not talented enough to fill in Mark's shoes. Of course.

He looks at Jaemin, carefully and painstakingly masking the horrific revelation he just made, and gives him a slight bitter smile.

"You're so funny, Jaemin. I must have fooled you there huh?" Now seeing Jaemin's dumbstruck face, however, his smile broadens and feels more authentic. The other slumps back against his chair and complains, saying something about Renjun becoming more sneaky. Despite the subtle jab, Renjun even lets the other pinch his cheek in annoyance before returning to his work, silently thanking Jaemin for allowing him to smile even though he's internally terrified that he's made a giant mistake.

"Renjun hyung, can you look over this? I'm not sure if this makes sense." Jisung plops himself down beside Renjun, showing him a piece of paper with chicken scrawl handwriting on it.

Renjun squints and brings the paper up to the light. "Are you sure this is supposed to be legible?" He dryly says, quirking his mouth in what he hopes is a teasing fashion.

But Jisung probably misses the memo because their youngest deflates momentarily by Renjun's side.

"Mark was able to read it though." 

Renjun knows that Jisung says it to be a shit but he can't help but feel further pierced by those words.

"Let me look at it again." Renjun grabs the paper out of Jisung's hand and stares at the words.

Bless his mom for having him learn Korean back home in Jilin. He can recognize the characters scattered on the page, some crossed out with small sad faces next to the unused words. Typical Jisung.

"Maybe you should use the world _thrilling_ here," He points to one line in particular, taking into account the whole picture Jisung has painted. There's undeniably an unspoken maturity in the youngest's lyrics, Renjun sees it in the choice of words and the flow. He thinks about saying this out loud, but holds himself back. Is it right for him to make comments about that?

"Anyways, it looks good to me." Renjun says encouragingly, turning over to Jisung. His lips accidentally brush against the crown of the other's head, the dyed pink and brown hair tickling his cheeks. He was so absorbed in analyzing the lyric sheet in his hand that he didn't notice Jisung shift in his position to rest his chin against Renjun's shoulder, arms brought up to hold the older boy in a loose hug.

"Why don't you cling onto me like that?" Jaemin has abandoned his notebook to spin around in his chair, eyeing the two on the couch with an expression of mixed betrayal and misplaced pride.

Jisung, having been caught in a self-initiated hug, clears his throat and pulls away quickly. Renjun almost pulls him back, already missing the soothing scent of the other.

But he doesn't dare open his mouth, not when he's not used to craving someone else's comfort. The predatory glint in Jaemin's eyes twinkles brighter.

"I feel like Renjun really wants a hug right now."

Jisung looks up at him as he says this, a soft expression overtaking the usual mischievous appearance that tends to grace the dancer's face. Renjun stares back at him, an unfamiliar tension building up behind his eyes. Blinking the weariness away, he returns the soft expression with a hesitant smile of his own.

"I'm okay Jisungie, that's very nice of you. Let's have you go test out the flow with Jaemin now and I'll go take a look at Jeno's sheet?" 

Renjun doesn't know what he's doing but he tries to ignore the crestfallen look on the other's face as he gets up, hoping to assuage the younger by lightly running his fingers through Jisung's hair.

There's no need to get distracted by the comfort offered so willingly by Jisung, especially when Renjun feels undeserving. Better to see if he could be of any use to Jeno before he relishes in the stray thought of feeling dependent on NCT Dream's youngest.

He banishes the insecurities, puts on an encouraging smile, and takes a seat beside Jeno.

"Oh Renjun! Hey listen to this, what do you think?"

┈┈

His first vlive in preparation for their comeback goes by naturally, as if ten months filled with no promotion hasn't changed anything despite the world still spinning and time still passing.

Sixteen minutes in, however, Renjun finds himself alternating his position between being half folded against the top of the table and tilting back in his chair, head thrown back in uncontrollable laughter. There isn't anything really inherently hilarious about the situation. They're talking about Assistant Manager's (_Doyoung_) sexy dance, which Donghyuck impersonated for his penalty after popping the first balloon. But that happened minutes ago and they're now seated back around the table, trying to fit the balloon for the next game amidst the giggles.

For some reason seeing Jeno literally losing his marbles - laughter going a pitch higher than usual with his smiling eyes almost in a permanent crescent shape, Donghyuck pointing at Renjun while giggling and then hiding his face in his wrist, and Jaemin smiling widely with tears in his eyes is enough to send Renjun careening into another bout of raucous laughter with the others.

They finally quiet down. Renjun catches a comment.

"Let's laugh together, boys." He says on behalf of a fan, and Jeno and Jaemin jump in clamoring stuff about how their humor is slow. Nothing really makes sense and Donghyuck's trying to contain his giggling with his head bowed while he's twisting the contraption holding their next balloon. But the mental wall breaks when Jeno looks at the aforementioned struggling and promptly, he breaks out into loud guffaws again.

Jaemin shakes his head with a fond smile, "Even we think we're weird." He says as he holds up the paper of their next topic.

Except Renjun reads something funny in the comments or maybe it's due to stealing a glance at Donghyuck's mirthful expression and Jeno's constipated face because not a minute has passed and he's laughing again, their giggles mixing and filling the air.

Jaemin's faring better than all of them and comments on their synergy before the vlive continues. Renjun, caught up in the pure happiness of the moment, doesn't think about how easily it is to let his emotions show so freely in front of everyone. He's thankful for how effortlessly the four of them fall into their playful dynamics, taking up roles of the rowdy one or the serious one depending on the moment.

It's okay, he tells himself. 

It's not okay.

Renjun's doing his second vlive but this time with the two youngest, their topic centered around making homemade ice cream. Prone to reminiscing, he mentions one of his favorite hyungs, Winwin, while Jisung's in the middle of shuffling around the cold mush. He doesn't get to say much about the 127 member before he's interrupted by one of the staff members who urgently tells him something.

There's a slight tension in the air.

"Okay." 

The smile that appears on his face falls flat of showing anything beyond a simple acquiesce. And Renjun stops his tangent to pursue a different topic. But something feels uneasy and he tries not to think about it.

When the vlive ends, Chenle and Jisung both come up to him and start talking, either to overrun the thoughts still persistently in Renjun's mind or because they're chatterboxes that won't let Renjun rest. He smiles again, hoping the turmoil doesn't show.

But this time, he asks that they give him some space. He misses their concerned gazes.

24 hours. That's the space he gets before he's shuffled to their last vlive.

Having to show his face again exactly a day later, Renjun ends up sitting at the far end next to Jeno. With a quiet hum to himself, he accepts the positioning with silent gratitude because he can easily fade away into his thoughts without the pressure of conversation from both sides. 

So Renjun finds himself doing such. Blankly staring ahead as the camera turns on and the others chatter about their recent vlives and how they felt about it.

He's shaken out of his thoughts when Donghyuck asks everyone to move over to the left, prodded by Chenle, so that by physical space alone Renjun ends up having to interact. He's naturally dragged into the conversation later, by Donghyuck and Jeno's words, Jaemin and Jisung's smiles, and Chenle's knowing glance.

Renjun finds the genuine smile on his face growing as the vlive continues, and it's as if his anxiety never existed in the first place as he falls instinctively into banter with the others. 

Maybe there's hope for him in relying on others.

┈┈

Sometimes when Renjun's overactive mind wanders as he's sitting in the Dreamies van en route to one of their schedules and he isn't sleepy enough to knock out to dream land, he thinks about his recent filmings and practices. It's no different that on this particular morning he recalls an interesting moment that occurred during one of their sets for the _Boom_ music video.

They were filming in a warehouse of a sort and thankfully, that time with Donghyuck present. Renjun wasn't sure if it was night or day, as filming tended to take a tedious amount of time and experience had taught Renjun to believe that sometimes the perfect take required more than five hours. He had little to complain about, considering their scenes weren't under the hot sun and he absentmindedly thought about 127's Highway to Heaven promotions in the middle of a desert.

Renjun found a specific scene in their upcoming _Boom _music video otherworldly pretty.

He was lying on his back in his all white outfit, staring up at the high arching ceiling. Or trying to because Jisung was suddenly leaning over his face and making a funny expression.

"Don't fall asleep now hyung."

Renjun chuckled at the soft look on the other's face as if the youngest were actually worried he would fall asleep on the set, and he made a show of closing his eyes and snoring obnoxiously just to egg on the youngest. He dodged the poke Jisung sent his way in retaliation.

"As if I could," Renjun rolled his eyes and put the palms of his hands behind him to cushion his head, "I'm buzzing with energy. Maybe I'll steal your title of being a brat and whining to get last minute favors." He cackled internally when Jisung's face instantly colored.

With a huff, Jisung took to balancing his head against one of his hands, as he casually peered down at Renjun with openly curious eyes.

"No one's stopping you?" 

Renjun looked away. His normally quick wits had disappeared upon hearing the underlying candid nature of their maknae's words.

_No one's stopping me but this company maybe..._

_and perhaps myself. _

_But how do I voice something so complicated to someone I don't want to drag into this thing I don't even understand?_

"We'll all have a field day if you decide to act cute to get what you want. Not saying I do that. And definitely not saying you aren't already cute. Which you are, have I ever mentioned that? Wait did I-"

Renjun cut off the nonsensical rambling by bringing a hand up to cover Jisung's mouth, his fingers gracing against a burning cheek. It was endearing how easily embarrassed Jisung got when his tongue slipped, face unfortunately reflecting all his emotions.

"Stop stealing Chenle's responsibility of talking my ear off." 

Jisung sheepishly laughed as Renjun removed his hand and reached up to ruffle Jisung's hair instead. The sound of their director told them they had another five minutes of break. Upon hearing that, Renjun retracted his arms from manhandling Jisung to swing them out, too comfortable on the floor to do any serious stretching. A minute of silence passed.

"I'm bored. Play with me, Jisungie."

"And how may I be of service hyung?" Jisung wasted no second in responding back with a deadpan expression that was so unlike Jisung's usual that Renjun couldn't help but giggle at the contrast.

"Reach this, big shot." 

Renjun teasingly brought his right arm up straight as if aiming for the stars beyond the stone ceiling with his pointer finger. Jisung amused him by curling his right arm, emphasizing his longer limbs, over Renjun's forehead to touch Renjun's pointer finger with his own.

Renjun smirked, clearly not done being playful, before tapping the tip of the younger's finger and reveling in the fact that Jisung followed his lead and hit back. But Jisung cut their fun short when he let his arm drop, and Renjun followed after. 

He chanced a look at the youngest and watched as Jisung looked down at him and his fallen arm, reaching out to grab his wrist.

"You've been eating enough during meals right?" Jisung held Renjun's wrist delicately between his fingers, marveling at the slimness in poorly concealed worry.

Furrowing his eyebrows, Renjun's eyes met the maknae's and something about the quiet atmosphere made Renjun bite back the smart retort lying in wait on his tongue.

"Yeah."

Jisung's breath was shaky when he gently placed Renjun's wrist down and gave him an unreadable stare. He reached out to push aside a stray bang on Renjun's forehead, and Renjun found himself unable to breathe in the moment.

"Take care of yourself hyung."

Renjun wanted to say something, anything, to clear the worry and pain in Jisung's eyes but their director had signaled that they were ready to resume filming so he watched on helplessly as Jisung's eyes regained their playful twinkle and the boy laughed when Donghyuck, in that moment, made an offhand joke.

┈┈ 

Renjun hates making others worry.

It's an innate trait of his since he was young and still living with his parents. Something about his independence and ambitions pushes him to scale his own obstacles silently and quietly. Maybe it's the fear of other's judgment or simply not knowing if he'll succeed after the ordeal, so he resorts to keeping issues to himself and hoping in the end, he'll emerge from the struggle. Victorious.

His tendency to avoid voicing his troubles remains with him when he becomes a trainee.

It's there with him when he's slated to be part of NCT Dream.

And eventually it grows as a fundamental part of him when he becomes one of the main vocalists.

The irony now falls on his throat.

Renjun wakes up feeling unusually discomfited. They had a long day the day before, and he recalls only falling into bed late into the morning. When he rolls over to ask Jeno to turn off the blaring alarm (set to Donghyuck's aegyo-filled voice, an old dare that Jeno has forgotten _has_ already ended), his voice comes out as a shocking croak.

His immediate thought goes somewhere along the lines of: _well I'm screwed._ But the more urgent concern pressing on him is

Why did I let this happen?

As a vocalist, he should've taken better care of his throat during the promotion of _Boom _which had only recently ended. Especially because he had been singing the high note at the bridge of their most promoted song, usually a feat left for Donghyuck. But Renjun never knew his own limits, always pushing himself until either failure or success came his way.

Renjun coughs, catching the attention of Jeno who has meandered back from the bathroom and is now looking with growing alarm at the older boy still lying in bed. He winces when Renjun tries to say something, but nothing comes out.

"Do you need water? Should I fetch Jaemin?" Jeno anxiously hovers by his side. The hoodie that's half-hazardly on Jeno, who has given up on neatly putting on his clothes, makes the situation funnier than it should be. 

Really he'd rather not turn this dorm upside down with Jaemin's mother hen tendencies so Renjun tries to shake his head, but Jisung chooses that exact moment to pass by their door and overhear their conversation.

"I got it!" The tall, lanky boy has turned tail to ameliorate the situation, leaving Jeno and Renjun flabbergasted.

"Has Jisung always taken this kind of initiative?" Jeno squints down at Renjun, as if the coughing boy knows the answer.

Renjun can only groan and turn onto his side, burying his face into his pillow.

"If you die in this practice room, I will not be responsible for burying your carcass." Jaemin scowls as he busts open the door to the studio room, casting a look of subtle outrage and disappointment in Renjun's direction.

Renjun sighs at the other's dramatic behavior. He's deadass grateful that he regained his voice by the time they're piled in the car. Though meek and quiet, unlike his persona - it's enough for him to pull out his retorts. Case in point.

"I drank your medicine and brought the tea you shoved at me before we left. I won't die." He gives Jisung a glare, and the latter shrinks a little under the annoyed gaze.

"How will you get through vocal practice today though 哥?" Chenle places his bag on the side as he walks to the middle of the room and starts stretching while cautiously eyeing the few of them still standing by the doorway.

"I'll figure it out. Don't worry about it." Renjun tries not to let the unease show in his words as he brings a hand up to massage his throat. Donghyuck catches the action and frowns, though not as disapprovingly as Jaemin who still has an ominous dark cloud over his face.

"We have lessons together. We'll tell the instructor and rearrange any parts if need be so your throat can rest." He places a comforting arm on Renjun's shoulder, but for some reason, the weight feels more like a burden.

Renjun gently shrugs off the hand, giving a pained smile to Donghyuck.

"I'll handle it."

They all nod, Jaemin however grimaces, but it's enough for Renjun who's desperately trying to get their attention off of him. He sighs and peels away from the others, placing his belongings in a corner while giving himself a small pep talk.

As they move to put their stuff down and get to stretching, Renjun gets ambushed by one of the members and is subsequently pulled to the side.

He looks up at the intruder and sees an apologetic Jisung.

"Hyung sorry for telling on you to Jaemin." Jisung's looking down and Renjun follows his gaze to the youngest's sneakers, old and scuffled from long usage. Something distantly hurts in Renjun's throat but he's not sure if it's from the ache or something else. The other looks up.

"I was worried and I know Jaemin would've helped. I didn't think he would be so angry...and disappointed." Jisung's timid voice trails off as he gnaws on his bottom lip. Renjun watches as the youngest swings his hand nervously, maybe to grasp at Renjun's fingers, but then stopping short and letting it fall awkwardly to the side when he realizes last minute it isn't the trajectory he wants to take.

Renjun thinks about it a bit, pushes back on today's less-than-favorable events to focus on Jisung's words.

"I'll apologize to him tonight." The furrow in Jisung's eyebrows grows deeper at Renjun's words. "And I'm sorry I got angry at you. You only meant well, Jisungie-ah." Renjun whispers.

His words help a bit as Renjun watches the maknae's face clear of worry, but there's still a frown.

"But seriously hyung, take care of yourself. Or else you'll have me fretting with Jaemin hyung." 

"Is that supposed to be an honor?" Renjun snorts before pulling away and joining everyone else.

It's easy to carry through the memorized moves, muscles grown accustomed to the different positions and mind already organized to predict the next step. It's not easy to sing the corresponding notes, and Renjun chooses to stop trying - head down in defeat.

They're called to take a break and the instructor gives him a disappointed look before leaving the room. Maybe it's for the better because Renjun finds himself slumping to the floor.

He informed their instructor beforehand of his condition but the weight of her gaze is still the same:

_Why are you irresponsible?_

Moreover, the nagging concern had developed into a headache and throughout practice, the discomfort had disrupted his calculations and more than once, Renjun found himself off position by a few inches. It isn't enough to cause a scene or accidentally trip one of the other members, but he sees the worried looks in their eyes at his off-kilter performance.

While Jeno and Donghyuck have left the room to grab drinks and Jaemin had ran out earlier, giving no good reason, it's only in the presence of the two youngest and the two less likely to prod that Renjun gives up on his front and curls up on the floor in displeasure.

He takes it back when someone decides to stand over him, blocking one of the ceiling lights, and consequently contributing a shadow to Renjun's already murky thoughts.

Something presses against his cheek and Renjun roughly bats it away.

“哥, don't." Chenle sits down beside him, quirking an eyebrow when Renjun finally decides to open his eyes and look at him. The older takes the thermos containing Jaemin's tea and he sits up to slowly drink it down. His action seems to make Chenle happy because he's grinning at Renjun and reaching up to take the thermos back.

"你的喉咙怎么样?" Chenle asks.

Renjun weighs his options. He can be truthful or he can ignore the pain and relieve the tension in Chenle's voice.

"My throat...is fine, but I'm not going to sing today." Renjun mutters.

"Will you talk to Jaemin? He's been especially whiny throughout practice. If I have to see him pout again, I think I'm going to throw my shoe at him." 

Renjun coughs on his laughter, falling back to the floor when he hears Chenle's complaints. The two of them have a funny relationship, one that isn't on the outside as nurturing as the one he shares with either of the two, but Renjun suspects there's development to be made in the near future. He does, after all, have astute observational skills.

The door slams open, causing Jisung to yelp (to which Chenle snickers not so silently), and Jaemin comes in grumbling. The two of them make some sort of eye contact but Renjun looks away first, not used to the other's cold treatment. 

"C'mon 再过一个小时, then we can go for lunch." Chenle breaks up the tension, offering a hand to Renjun to heave the older up to his feet.

Renjun looks at Chenle gratefully, and clears his throat. 

"Yeah just one more hour."

Maybe Renjun didn't get enough sleep. Maybe the lightheadedness he had felt yesterday night wasn't a momentary glitch.

He's squinting into the mirror, trying to understand why there's two of Jeno dancing in the middle of formations. Why the ringing in his head due to Donghyuck's normally sweet dulcet tones is now grating against his ears. Why Jisung's stopping in the middle of their choreography and running towards him.

Renjun doesn't see what happens next because the walls swing in his vision and he's jerking his head backwards, falling to the ground as the world turns black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translations:  
你的喉咙怎么样? - How's your throat?  
再过一个小时 - just one more hour


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translations for the chapter:  
你是一个完美的男人! - You're a perfect man!  
早上好 - Good morning  
我会的 - I will  
仁俊 哥 - Renjun hyung

_"Renjun-ah_ _, I want to be more like you as we grow up together." _

_"Why? You make me sound like an old man, Jeno."_

_"Because you're composed and so confident. How do you do it?"_

_"It's nothing really, it's just-"_

_"You're really witty, did you know that?"_

_"Yeah, to some degree."_

_"We can be a team, the two of us, take on the variety world by storm."_

_"Eh, you're exaggerating"_

_"Injunnie let's have another talk. I like hearing your thoughts."_

_"But what about? Surely you get tired of what I think?"_

_"Get tired? Never! You're amazing and so insightful, aren't you aware?"_

_"Haha Nana, I'm not so sure"_

_"哥, I know I tried out as a vocalist but your voice, it's really good."_

_"I guess I didn't realize it myself either."_

_"What else can't you not do? 你是一个完美的男人!"_

_"Perfect is too much..."_

_"Hyung, I look up to you but we're not that different."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"You have a lot I can learn from, but that doesn't mean you need to push yourself so hard."_

_"Pushing myself? I'm just improving my flaws, Jisungie."_

_"It's not improvement if you're constantly hurting, if you can't see your good traits..._

_Stop putting yourself down, hyung. When will you wake up and realize you're good enough?_

_For everyone? For m-"_

Renjun gasps, wrenching himself out of the dark void he had been drowning in. Fading out of his delirious dream-like state, he's immediately only aware of two things: the insufferable pain beneath his eyelids and the loud screeching echoing throughout his brain. 

He knows his body is frozen in repose on a bed but the heat he's suffering from all sides urges him to squirm free from the blanketed confines. The movement alerts the quiet presence in the room and Renjun stills, not grasping the situation.

"Renjun! Oh my god, you're awake." Donghyuck scrambles to his feet, dropping the phone in his hand.

Awake? Renjun closes his eyes tightly, trying to recollect the events leading up to this. He remembers the practice room, remembers the pain in his head, remembers Jisung running towards him right before everything blacked out.

"Please, Renjun, drink this," Donghyuck pleads, holding out a glass of water and a pill in one hand.

Renjun tries to lift his arm but it feels like deadweight lead. He can't even cry out - the mental betrayal of his mind seizing him from making any noise. He sees Donghyuck stand up in a panic, glass of water spilled and the pill crushed in his hand, just as his eyelids grow heavier and shut on their own accord.

It's dark again.

┈┈

_Jeno leads the group greeting in their first public appearance for their comeback. Renjun easily follows along the cheer, waving at the reporters and fans who had came to see them. It doesn't strike him as odd, he believes no one would've done a better job at leading the NCT greeting after Mark graduated._

_It only hits him later when he's scrolling through comments and one in particular pointed out how Renjun was the eldest and they had assumed he would take up the unofficial leader position. It's not a particularly negative observation. But perhaps a small part of Renjun had also held onto that possibility. It surfaces up in protest, jabbing Renjun in the chest. A sharp pain telling him it's his fault for not taking initiative enough, for hiding behind his insecurities._

_He spends the rest of the night quietly, watching his old public appearances. Straining his eyes to catch where he had melded into the nondescript background. It's so easy to see where he falls short in comparison to the others, so easy to nitpick the little details. Even the noise of despair that leaves his chest and out his throat only embodies the pain that only he can feel._

_In that moment, Jeno walks in with his phone in hand. He sees Renjun lying in bed with a frown on his complexion and Jeno seems to make it his personal job to slip in beside him, shoving the phone in Renjun's face._

_"I usually don't ask about things like this since it's just a message, but do you think saying this is okay?"_

_Renjun blinks._

_Jeno's smiling expectantly up at him, arm thrown casually over his waist. "This makes me look cute to the fans right?"_

_The cute expression coupled with the hopeful tone unfurls something warm within Renjun's chest. It's with a certain lightness to his heart that he takes the phone from Jeno's hands, and gently smiles at the younger._

_"Okay, but use this filter. It's more popular at the moment."_

Renjun wakes to someone threading their fingers through his unruly hair and a smile to rival the sun.

"How you feeling?" Jeno asks, already reaching over to help Renjun sit up. 

"Besides my head threatening to blast me to Mars, I feel like I can down a gallon of water." He gives Jeno a crooked smile and the other grins back, that is until Renjun coughs and Jeno's previously smiling face turns to a wince. 

"You gave us all a scare, especially when you woke up hours ago and knocked out on Donghyuck's watch." Jeno casually says while placing a bottle of water in Renjun's outstretched hand.

Renjun groans as he ingests the water, scrunching his nose when Jeno waves around a pill in his face. "Tell him I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with my body." He takes the pill and forces it down, grumbling at the taste.

Jeno pouts, taking his attention away from the horrid medicine, and Renjun shifts his distracted attention back to him, "Hey it's not your fault for falling sick during practice. It's just surprising how severe your reaction was...and it worried everyone." Jeno pulls away from Renjun, shifting his weight onto his other foot hesitantly. "Especially Jisung, he paced for a good fifteen minutes since you've been placed on bed rest."

Hearing about the upheaval he had caused makes Renjun feel guilty, and he places a placating hand on Jeno's arm as if he were the one doing the comforting.

Bedridden, and somehow he still feels responsible. 

"I didn't mean to," He gestures vaguely and he watches in confusion as Jeno's frown deepens, "But I'll get better as soon as I can so I don't hold you guys back."

Jeno stops shifting upon hearing his words, and a dark scowl overcomes his handsome features.

"Holding us back? What are you talking about? Your health is more important, don't you even think otherwise."

Renjun looks away, missing Jeno's accompanying expression because the bite in his words has hit a sore spot.

"Do you want to eat anything? It's past two in the afternoon." Jeno changes the topic upon seeing Renjun's discomfort, asking the older boy in a softer tone.

The sick boy shakes his head but smiles gently at the contrite look on Jeno's face. "I think I want to sleep more." Renjun lets Jeno carefully tuck him in, whining quietly when Jeno leans over to leave a peck on his forehead. 

"Sweet dreams Injun-ah."

┈┈

_The Weekly Idol filming had been a success. Though he ended up pairing with one of the MCs, Renjun got along with him well and even slipped in moments of intrigue and wit, satisfying the staff and his own expectations. After they thanked the whole crew and bowed enough to warrant embarrassment, Renjun found himself bouncing on the balls of his feet in excitement as he and the rest of the Dreamies pull up to their van. Normally he would be walking back to the van in a composed manner, indulging one or two other members with a bright grin - revealing the exhilaration he feels from filming. But this time, he was practically skipping (he pretends he doesn't hear Chenle laughing)._

_The cackles grow louder when he runs right into Donghyuck. _

_A slam clumsy enough to bruise his ego, Renjun is however, too distracted and happy for once with his performance that he only throws the surprised boy a smile._

_"The man of the hour! You're truly the sniper of our generation." Donghyuck recovers easily from the collision, leaning over to smirk into Renjun's hair as he readily winds an arm around the other in equal levels of enthusiasm._

_"I always tend to feel awkward with shows but I thought that went well." Renjun admits, once he calms down. He doesn't protest when Donghyuck side hugs him, naturally melding into the vocalist's warmth. _

_However, the latter makes a noise of complaint._

_"You always do well Renjun, you're born for banter and quick responses." Donghyuck rolls his eyes but it's in good-nature because his eyes light up in mischief just in_ _time to poke Renjun in the side, eliciting a high-pitched yelp. _

_Renjun scowls, and squirms out of Donghyuck's hold. "And yet you still test my patience. Rue the day I shoot you down in variety." He jokes._

_"Please Renjun-ah. Why set ourselves up for sniping each other when we can team up together and take the others down?"_

_The glint in Donghyuck's eyes has Renjun doubling over in laughter._

_"Sounds like a brilliant plan, Hyuckie."_

Renjun hears the soulful notes before he realizes he's awake again.

Donghyuck's on the ground, playing a song on his phone, and looks up in surprise when the older boy croaks out his name.

"What time is it?" Renjun knows the sun has set, indicating that it should probably be some time close to dinner, and the coincidental rumbling of his stomach makes him sheepishly meet Donghyuck's gaze. "I'm hungry." He pouts despite how lethargic he feels.

Donghyuck, instead of leaving the room to bring him food, jumps onto the bed immediately and hugs Renjun tightly through the blankets as if he were afraid Renjun would disappear otherwise. The trembling the tired boy feels through the comforter urges Renjun to hesitantly drag out one of his arms from underneath the blanket and wrap it around the other. He pats Donghyuck's shaking back in consolation. 

_I'm sorry_. His hands say as he brings one up to cup Donghyuck's cheek so he can look at the other.

"Don't pull shit like that again," Donghyuck mutters, refusing to meet Renjun's eyes, "This isn't some horror movie, you're not supposed to pass out on me like that."

Renjun pinches his cheek, smiling when Donghyuck lets out a small sound of pain.

"If this were a horror movie, I would be the one who finds the source of the paranormal activity. C'mon, I'm actually offended you think I'd die first?" 

"Ugh, unbearable." Donghyuck comments but in a tone less solemn than the shivers Renjun had felt earlier. The perky member slides out of Renjun's hold and strategically rolls off the bed. He snickers when Renjun whines about Donghyuck purposefully squishing him.

"Let me get you food. Jaemin left a plate for you, but the others are out right now." 

Renjun hums, trying to roll his body to the edge of the bed to slip out from the blankets as Donghyuck makes to leave, but he catches him in the act and pauses in the doorway.

"I need to use the restroom." Renjun says matter-of-factly, shooing the other away when Donghyuck tries to walk back.

"But what if you pass out on the toilet? Oh my god, what would the others think!"

┈┈

_There isn't any trace of doubt within Renjun whenever he looks at Jaemin. The younger boy's confidence and smiles are comfortingly grounding, reminding Renjun of why he places an irrevocable trust in him. _

_But he still prefers listening to Jaemin talk and favors being the one giving all the steady support and whispers of courage. He would choose that a million times in the course of a thousand life times over instilling in the younger his own inconsequential fears and constant troubles. _

_It was always easier that way. _ _To give. Not to take._

_Renjun knows that Jaemin appreciates him, that there wouldn't otherwise be any other reason for why they find themselves sitting faithfully in the dark bedroom with a candle burning gradually between the two. But Jaemin doesn't appreciate all of it, not when Renjun wouldn't budge from his stronghold and return the favor. So he stares relentlessly into Renjun's eyes, the aroma of the jasmine candle simultaneously wafting in and out - igniting and clouding Renjun's judgment in the moment. The candle flickers and only adds a piercing glimmer to Jaemin's knowing and attractive eyes._

_"What do you think about yourself?" _

_Renjun shifts his glance to the corner of Jaemin's lips, sees the curve and thinks about how one can smile so easily despite the burdens. This time, however, he doesn't think twice about his next words when they spill out too readily._

_"I think. I think I can always improve. That I can find enjoyment in my daily life regardless of never feeling enough." He whispers, betrayed by the comforting ambience of their room. _

_And the response?_

_Jaemin breathes out with the weight of the world upon his shoulders, smile dropping, and he places a hand on Renjun's knee._

_"And where does this end? Does it?" Renjun hears the catch in Jaemin's tone, a break in something stable that hurts Renjun to hear from someone he sees as strong and impenetrable._

_"I don't know. You can't be perfect right?" He simply says._

_They share a look, but Renjun looks away first. Clearing his throat, he tries to clarify his words, "I don't want to be perfect. I just want to be enough."_

_"And you are." Jaemin doesn't miss a beat. Renjun feels the hand on his knee curl up against the fabric of his sweatpants. As if the younger boy was promising him a secret he was desperately trying to keep for the two of them._

_"I am."_

_But Renjun isn't sure who he's trying to convince._

Renjun isn't used to waking up in someone's arms, unless it's a homesick Chenle crawling into his bed at midnight with a tear-stricken face, wanting Renjun to distract and sing him to sleep in their mother tongue. But right now, Renjun is sure someone's taking the liberty to smother the hell out of him. With a smart retort at the tip of his tongue, Renjun turns around to give the intruder a piece of his mind. He stills when he meets Jaemin's gaze, eyelids half closed - seconds away from falling asleep before Renjun determined it necessary to attack him.

"Why are you here?" He asks, ignoring the guilt that has suddenly risen within him. Is it the underlying guilt he feels whenever he recalls a past mistake? Or is it the present worry of getting Jaemin sick? It's a cycle that sees no end, like a never-ending dryer where the tumbling clothes are Renjun's tumultuous thoughts.

He ignores the gentle look upon Jaemin's face as the resident cuddler pulls Renjun closer.

"You were shivering earlier, and I found this easier than throwing one of Jeno's blankets on you." 

The answer is so simple and so Jaemin, that Renjun has nothing else to say. Jaemin instead takes opportunity of the older boy's silence to scour Renjun's face for something. Maybe it's the lack of fight within him or the sickness addling his brain, but Renjun slowly extricates himself from Jaemin's grasp and gathers the other's hands in his.

"Jaemin-ah, I'm sorry."

Jaemin's eyes flicker up in acknowledgement. 

And it's enough for now.

Renjun visibly relaxes, making the rare move of cuddling up to the other.

"But do you know why?"

Jaemin whispers after a minute has passed and Renjun has already felt some tendrils of sleep edge on his periphery. 

He makes a noncommittal noise, slackening his grip on Jaemin's hand.

"Because it reminded me of my mistake years ago." Jaemin mumbles, sighing and closing his eyes. "Granted, I didn't know exactly what you were going through. I wasn't going to stand by and watch you destroy yourself. It's never worth it, Renjunnie."

Renjun doesn't feel the tear leave his eye nor does he see it hit the pillowcase, not until Jaemin looks at him with a sad understanding and moves to wipe it away.

"It's okay to love yourself as you are now."

┈┈

_"哥, do you ever wonder what life would be like if we didn't come here? Do you think you would be someone's boyfriend? Do you think you'll enjoy cooking daily, going out with friends, and working an office job?" _

_Chenle slips into the space between Renjun and the end of the couch, just like how he slipped into Renjun's fond heart three years ago. _

_Renjun decides to humor the younger this time round, even though they both should probably be in bed at this hour. But Renjun had wanted a cup of tea before bed and Chenle wordlessly followed after. It was currently their promotional period for Boom, which meant Chenle was staying at the dorms, but regardless of the rare invitation to catch up on hours of rest, the two ended up in the living room with only the kitchen light on and the night sky serving as their otherworldly confidant._

_"I think about it a lot," Renjun confesses, "But I don't regret it. It's not like I can't cook now or go out. And as for an office job, what would I do? I'm not even sure."_

_Chenle purses his lips in idle thought and takes a generous sip of tea before opening his mouth._

_"I feel the same. I think about living in a world where I don't know you or Jisungie or the other hyungs, and it feels weird." Chenle trails off in deep thought. Renjun waits patiently, watching in amusement as the gears shift on Chenle's face._

_"Oh! Like when you wake up from a dream and your body longs for something but you don't remember what. That's what I feel whenever I have thoughts like this." Chenle puts his empty cup on the table and sinks into the cushions of the couch with furrowed eyebrows._

_"That was strangely poetic, Chenle, and in Korean too? You've been learning so much from Jisung," Renjun smiles when he looks over at Chenle, and the younger wastes no time in rolling his eyes._

_"I learn every day Renjun-哥. Why are you surprised?" _

_Chenle lets out a shriek when Renjun throws his arm around the back of his neck, dragging the limp boy towards him._

_"You high achieving brat! Rub it in my face, while you can. Did you know I'm proud of you?" Renjun says, not hesitating to ruffle Chenle's orange hair with his fist. He pretends he doesn't hear the other whine about the objectionable treatment of the younger members in this household._

_"And even if you weren't, I'm proud enough of myself. It feels good knowing I can learn more, but even more when I realize how far I've come." _

_Renjun stops ruining Chenle's hair and pulls back, and the younger boy huffs a 'finally'. _

_Chenle's words have an effect on his thinking, like an uncanny resemblance to warm soup after coming in from a winter storm. _

_He looks at the boy in his loose side hug, who's muttering about the lack of respect, and he interrupts the silent and moody rant._

_"Give me some of your optimism juice, Lele."_

_Chenle stares at him weirdly, "What do you mean? I look up to you." He laughs when Renjun looks away in embarrassment. _

_"There's no one like you. Thanks for being here with me 哥."_

"早上好" Chenle says with the slight smirk of his lip, sitting against the wall at the foot of Renjun's bed with a phone in his hand, the sounds of a game playing echoing throughout the dimly lit room.

Renjun groans. He thinks he has probably slept for an eternity. It's a better alternative than no sleep, he ironically thinks to himself. With a puff of frustration, he tries to heave himself up.

"Can I go and run a mile along the Han river?" Renjun dryly asks, eventually sitting up and surveying the room. It's only him and Chenle this time, no Jeno in sight despite the latter being his roommate.

Chenle doesn't fail him and laughs out loud. "At this hour? It's like two in the morning, but take your pick."

Renjun looks up in confusion after slumping back onto his pillow, "Two? Where's Jeno? Why aren't you guys in bed?" 

Chenle places down his phone, leaning over to drop it from centimeters above the floor, and crawls up the length of the bed to fit in the empty space between Renjun and the wall. Probably so he can enjoy the advantageous, towering view of pseudo power.

"I think he went out with Jisung to buy snacks." Chenle smirks, "And no, they snuck out without telling the manager." 

Renjun definitely smacks his own face in resignation. It's hard not to when you have dumb band mates.

"What now? Do I go back to sleep or something?"

Chenle nods enthusiastically, clapping his hands happily like a seal, "Yup, that is your one and only job until you get better." He waggles his finger when Renjun opens his mouth to protest. "Nope, 哥, you try taking one step out of this dorm and everyone is going to come after you."

Renjun pales; the cheeriness in Chenle's voice is unfitting and strikes a shiver of fear within Renjun. He supposes even Zhong Chenle can be scary at times.

"Will you keep me company then?" Renjun drawls, making himself comfortable in the folds of the sheets. He smiles internally to himself when Chenle tries to fluff up his pillow and grabs the fallen Moomin plush, placing it within Renjun's reach.

"Yeah 我会的. If not, you'll always wake up to someone here. We got your back, 仁俊 哥."

Renjun allows a genuine smile to carry him over the stream of consciousness, at last sleeping peacefully.

┈┈

_"Hyung, I can't sleep."_

_Renjun opens one eye blearily, feeling heat emanating from the extra body that just slid in beside him. Unfortunately for Renjun, he's still half asleep so Renjun rolls over to make space for the bed invader without asking any questions._

_"Thanks hyung." Jisung's voice is quiet and soft, very welcoming to Renjun's sleepy state. He doesn't even shy away when the youngest boldly cuddles closer and huddles up to Renjun like a baby duck imprinting on a caretaker figure. Besides, the added presence makes it an enjoyable warmth, despite it being a summer night. Renjun could always use the extra body heat sometimes._

_Yet he doesn't hesitate in blindly kicking at the blankets so that it rests on their legs._

_"Jaemin took up the whole bed again?" He whispers, taking longer than usual to get his words out. Sleep really likes to drag him under, but his efforts aren't for naught because Jisung's bright eyes look back at him upon registering his question._

_The boy hesitates, though Renjun isn't sure because his perception of time is for lack of a better word, wack. _

_"I guess."_

_"Wanna talk about it?" Renjun's words slur, and he yawns. He blinks and finally opens his eyes fully, seeing the amused and fond smile playing upon Jisung's lips. _

_"You must be really tired." Jisung says in a light and teasing tone._

_"Doesn't matter, I'm all ears Jisungie." Renjun pouts unknowingly. Taking in a deep breath, he rubs at his eyes and stares at the frozen boy next to him. "What's up? Usually you want to talk about something." He stares in confusion at the lack of a response._

_Jisung shakes out of his stupor and nervously chuckles. _

_"It's really nothing. I just wanted to sleep with you tonight." And if Renjun didn't know better, he would have missed the blush on Jisung's cheeks._

_But since he knows Jisung, Renjun arches a delicate eyebrow. _

_"Okay, but I'm watching you so don't you try anything weird now." Renjun jabs a pointer finger playfully at Jisung's chest. _

_"Yeah yeah," Jisung draws out, smirking when Renjun refocuses his attention back to Jisung's face. "I'm actually here to talk about you."_

_Renjun squints, "Me?"_

_Jisung looks embarrassed but he doesn't look away, gaze unwavering. "Yeah, you were pushing yourself too hard today. I saw you pull a muscle."_

_Renjun almost laughs. _

_Jisung looks so serious over his words and Renjun can't help but coo, not stopping his hand from reaching up and pulling Jisung's soft cheek._

_"It didn't hurt that much, Sungie. How did you even see that?" _ _He lets go._

_"Uh, I happened to look at you the moment your face twisted in pain?" Jisung doesn't say much, resorting back to silence. He quietly leans his head on Renjun's shoulder despite being taller. "Besides, you danced really well today. Why did you stay those extra hours?"_

_Renjun stills. They're edging onto a sensitive matter, and he's aware that Jisung knows more than he's letting on._

_"I didn't feel like I covered all the details." Jisung frowns at that._

_"Why do you hurt yourself like this hyung?" _

_Renjun swallows, suddenly feeling too awake. The warmth by him doesn't feel as comforting anymore. And Jisung must have felt a shift in the atmosphere, because he doesn't let Renjun stiffen in his hold, melting into Renjun's side comfortingly._

_"It's okay hyung, I won't pry. But I'm always here for you." Jisung whispers._

When Renjun finally wakes up the next morning, feeling 100% like himself and not like the soggy sack of potatoes he had grown accustomed to feeling like in the last 18 hours, he wants to jump out of bed and get busy. 

But something holds him back.

Specifically his hand. Clasped tightly in someone else's hand.

He looks down in surprise, seeing his own fingers grabbing three of Jisung's fingers in a solid grip. The owner of the latter sleeping soundly against Renjun's bed, by his pillow. Renjun's heart softens at the sight, not expecting the early visitor nor the natural comfort the youngest brings to his entirety.

Gauging the time, it's probably about six in the morning. Jisung can spend a few more hours sleeping.

Renjun regrets having to shake the youngest awake, but he knows the other would have a crick in his neck from sleeping uncomfortably like that.

"Jisung-ah."

The boy wakes rather easily, which confuses Renjun because their youngest is known to be the hardest to wake up. But then Jisung smiles cutely at him with half-opened eyes and Renjun's face flushes, realizing he was thinking of Jisung as a lazy bum when he was probably having a restless sleep after keeping Renjun company for most of the night.

"Get to bed, I need to go shower." Renjun tries to get up but forgets that he's still holding onto Jisung's hand. He lets go, and slowly slides out of his sheets, standing up beside the younger who's yawning and trying to burrow his face back into the mattress.

"Okey," Jisung mumbles, still clearly a bit sleepy, when Renjun prevents him from face-planting into the blanket. Renjun watches the youngest stand up, teetering on his feet as he makes his way out of the room. He's sympathetic of the boy's journey to his room, but he'd rather not have Jisung sleep in his bed. Not until they washed the germs out of the sheets.

With an invigorated spring in his step, Renjun sets out to the bathroom.

It's a new day.

┈┈

Perhaps Renjun feels a change within himself in the weeks to follow. There's no specific event he can pinpoint to which he owes his changed perspective or his less burdened heart. It's a welcomed transition though, and he thinks Jaemin sees it too when they have their special talks. Jeno smiles more, finding opportunities to pull the cute card in Renjun's presence despite having an innate aversion for it. Both Donghyuck and Chenle note the change with an increased volume to their voices, which ends up with more chaos in the dorms. And Jisung has shouldered the biggest effect, taking to Renjun like a fish to water and Renjun's strangely okay with it.

It's also beginning to genuinely feel like Mark hasn't left them. That they're the same rowdy, aspiring boys they were at the brink of Chewing Gum. He supposes it's an internal thought because Renjun has finally moved on and accepted that Mark has graduated. And perhaps the missing piece had always been Renjun - that he had been living in the past up until now and had allowed his insecurities to write over his strengths and bonds to the others. But always a Dreamie at heart, Mark never forgets to check in and keep them updated on his adventures with 127 and SuperM. It's a reminder of the old days, and the calls help Renjun cope more than anything. It's as if nothing has changed in all of their relationships.

Except for Renjun's perspective on feelings.

Feelings that begin to become more apparent. Case in point, he ends up dreaming more often now, since his lucid memories manifested as dream-like impressions during the time he was sick. And more than what he would deem comfortable, Renjun has woken up with a lingering feeling of longing, barely escaping his grasp.

It happens again on a September morning. And he kind of has half the mind to talk to Chenle about it but Chenle had to spend last night at his mom and aunt's place, leaving the members with a cheerful goodbye and promising to be back early in the morning. With a grumble, he slips out of the covers, tip toeing because he doesn't want to wake up Jeno - the other was curled up in his blankets and looking like he was having a good dream.

When he pads across to the living room couch, the sun had only just started to rise. With one look at the calming mood of the room, Renjun supposes he can look forward to a quiet morning to enjoy by himself. He pulls out one of his books to read and waits for the others to wake up.

Chenle wakes up first, at about 9am. The younger boy chirps a distracted greeting before entering the kitchen, hunting for something to drink or eat. Renjun hides his snort; he knows they're all hopeless without Jaemin's homemade food. 

As Chenle's making milk tea, Jisung makes his appearance known, clearly ready for whatever he had planned for today's free day. He sees Renjun and dutifully clambers onto the couch, sidling up to the older.

"What are you reading about, hyung?" 

Renjun spares him a sidelong stare, a bit distracted, "Maybe you'll know if you take time to read this?" He looks on smugly when Jisung pouts, but returns his attention back to the novel.

To the others, it may seem like he's deeply engrossed in his book. But to Renjun, well, he's actually thinking about when he started to feel weird around Jisung.

He has always thought their youngest was adorable, taking liberty in pinching his cheek and having no shame in calling him cute. However, Renjun finds himself wanting to see the other smile more and funnily enough, wants to be the cause of it. The part of him that wants to dote on someone endlessly has latched onto Park Jisung, and Renjun's increasingly worried about its implications.

The feeling is strong and not like what he's used to. 

It should set off warning bells in Renjun's highly-intuitive emotion detector.

But Renjun always likes to conclude that it's simply because he wants to see Jisung happy and wants to protect him from his insecurities just as the youngest has been trying to do for him.

Jisung places his chin on Renjun's shoulder, shaking him out of his musings and to his own chagrin, Renjun jolts. He quickly recovers because he still doesn't like giving the other the upper hand in teasing.

"Oh so now you're reading?" Renjun playfully jives, watching as Jisung's eyes move with the words on the page. The cute dancer scrunches his nose in response, but offers no retaliating comment.

They stay like that for only a while before the younger decides he wants to sleep again. He doesn't even ask before lifting his chin, pushing Renjun's hands up for space and gently laying himself down to curl his upper body on Renjun's lap.

Had it been anyone else, Renjun would have pushed the other off - not about the affectionate life. But it was Jisung, and Renjun is suddenly quite aware that he's comfortable with him and with the situation.

He doesn't think twice about letting one of his hands fall and card through Jisung's hair.

┈┈

"You're not subtle Jaemin-ah." Renjun says during one of their night talks. He smirks when Jaemin flushes, eyes darting around the room to avoid Renjun's gaze. But Renjun isn't known for sniping only on shows, he's a sharp tongue in the dorms as well.

"Unfortunately for you, Chenle's as dense as a rock." Renjun leans back and rests against his bed frame. He almost lets out a noise of sympathy when Jaemin deflates in disappointment, but recalls the wriggling eyebrows the younger had flashed him earlier when Jisung tried feeding Renjun one of his weird snack concoctions after dinner. Renjun mentally pats himself on the back. Thank god he stopped himself from commiserating with the enemy.

"Funny you should say that, when you're no better than Chenle." Jaemin snootily shoots back, one to defend Chenle but second to attack Renjun's pride.

"Huh?" Renjun scrunches his face in confusion. 

Jaemin immediately closes in on Renjun's lack of knowledge, seeing the open door for an attack. "I'm not the only pining fool in this household." Jaemin says, but then he quickly frowns at his own choice of words, muttering, '_Damn that makes me sound stupid'._

Renjun ignores the self-reprimanding across from him and tries to make sense of Jaemin's vague words. He hesitantly cuts through Jaemin's mumbling. 

"I honestly have no idea what you're talking about but we're both here to talk about you, not me."

"Nope, we have to talk about you too because maybe if I gain some insight on your thinking, I can figure out Chenle." Jaemin purses his lips and Renjun doesn't have the heart to argue, not when Jaemin's this serious about his hopelessness in having Chenle return his affection. He sighs in defeat.

"I'll pretend I know what's going on. But shoot away, I guess." 

"How do you deal with affection from another member?" Jaemin knows exactly what to ask and Renjun can't tell if he's horrified by the other's scary precision or amazed by the other's uncanny ability to hit the bullseye.

"What kind of affection?" Renjun narrows his eyes at the growing smile on Jaemin's face.

"Hugs? Cuddles?" The evil smirk doesn't leave as Jaemin leans in conspiringly, "Kisses?"

Renjun falls onto his side when Jaemin gets too close, no doubt trying to land a smooch on his cheek. He scowls when Jaemin pulls away, giving back Renjun his personal space. With a bruised ego, Renjun unceremoniously pulls himself up from the ground.

"What the fuck Na Jaemin. I don't even know how to answer that." Renjun grumbles, crossing his arms in defiance. Jaemin rolls his eyes and taps his lip in mocking thought. 

"Just think about Jisung, surely he's been more affectionate to you lately." 

Renjun isn't even aware that his face is growing into a vivid blush, not until Jaemin squeals and points at his face wildly, gushing about the pink hue.

"Oh my god, you _so_ know what's going on!" With a rough wave of his hands, Renjun doesn't regret shoving Jaemin onto the floor after that. But it doesn't quell the annoying squealing.

"And here I was thinking you were a cold bitchass slab of stone but you! Actually are aware! Hallelujah to the gods and to our Park Jisung!" 

Renjun can't stand the annoying sounds coming from the ground so he grabs his Moomin plushie, whispers a quick apology to it, and pushes it into Jaemin's face to smother him to silence.

Once it's quiet, and Renjun has the vague passing fear of accidentally killing Jaemin, he pulls his plushie away from the offensive pest at his foot. Instead, he sees Jaemin in deep thought, and no one but him knows that he lets out a relieved sigh. After all, Renjun doesn't want to be branded for homicide.

"But how do you feel about it? The affection?" Jaemin asks as he gets up from the floor and sits closer to Renjun, forgetting that the older boy had just tried to kill him seconds ago.

"Honored? Pleased? What do you want me to say?" Renjun retorts. He watches the candle in front of him flicker, their time tonight inevitably running out.

Jaemin coughs, "I mean like what do you really think about Jisungie showing you all that affection? Heck, I should feel jealous but instead, I feel like I raised my son right." Renjun throws him a disgusted look, to which Jaemin ignores, still prattling on, "He has more game than me. Maybe I should take some pointers from him."

"This is crazy." Renjun mutters.

The younger boy stops his ranting and looks properly at Renjun with a serious look on his face. "Do you not _feel_ anything Renjun? Is that what you're saying?"

The uneasiness casted by the underlying harsh tone in Jaemin's words throws Renjun into a curve. It's almost accusatory, a bit hurtful if Renjun really examined the tone. No one deserves that treatment, not when the situation hasn't been clarified.

Renjun considers Jaemin's questions, all joking aside.

He thinks about Jisung and automatically smiles because he feels at peace with himself. It's easy how he feels about it.

"I like it."

And Renjun doesn't get to take it back, not when those words have been waiting to be spilled for months now. It had never been obvious from the get-go; it had never even formulated properly as a sentence in his mind. But Renjun has never felt surer in admitting it now. Not when Jaemin's smiling back at him with happy, shiny eyes.

"Jaemin...are you crying?"

"I can't help it okay! I'm in charge of love, Renjun. You can't stop me from crying over this!"

┈┈

Renjun has his speculations about everything but he's never taken to caring too much about his emotions. Especially when they concerned his affections. He, however, takes the opportunity to corner Donghyuck, after Chenle and Jisung leaves the dorm to film their next episode of Chenji's This and That and Jeno and Jaemin are already off somewhere filming for another variety appearance.

"Let's bake a cake Hyuck," Renjun doesn't wait for an answer as he flicks on the light switch of the kitchen. He hears the groan behind him, and Renjun smiles.

They don't talk much while Renjun's scrummaging for bowls and utensils, peeking into their fridge for eggs and milk, and pulling out the flour and sugar. Once he has the material piled on the counter top, he turns to Donghyuck.

"Do you like Jeno?" 

If Donghyuck were drinking something at that moment, it would have surely went down the wrong pipe. The surprised boy chokes on air, and Renjun can't help but look on with thinly-veiled amusement at the normally composed vocalist burning as red as a cherry.

"Jesus Renjun, where did that come from?" Donghyuck fans his face, pretending as if the temperature didn't shoot up through the roof. He hacks away his embarrassment and Renjun cringes at the exaggerated response.

"I mean I definitely may or may not have walked in on you guys cuddling in random places?" Donghyuck curses when Renjun finishes the sentence, accidentally hitting the counter and upsetting the whisk in the glass bowl, sending it flying straight up. Renjun shoots out a hand to grab it before it falls on the ground.

"What? Where? How do you not even leave behind a footprint?" Donghyuck's eyebrows scrunch together in confusion and Renjun laughs, reaching a finger up to relieve the tension building up in the other boy's brows.

"You guys get too caught up in each other, that's why you never notice me there." Renjun shrugs. He hears Donghyuck sputter as he turns to start measuring out the baking ingredients.

Donghyuck heaves out a long-suffering sigh, before slumping against the counter, avoiding the stuff on the counter this time.

"Fine, you caught me. I like Jeno. What are you trying to get at, Renjunnie?" He grabs the butter and cuts out an appropriate amount, throwing it into the bowl Renjun's mixing into.

"Nothing really, I wanted to know how you knew you liked him?" Renjun cracks a few eggs, dropping it into the mixture. He turns to look at Donghyuck who has paused in helping with the preparation, mind floating off somewhere else.

"I don't remember. It was a bit like getting hit in the face with a bat when I realized I liked him. Not a pleasant experience, mind you," _Renjun snorts_, "But the impact was just as shocking, that's what I meant. I realized how much Jeno meant to me, and how natural it was to feel my best around him. Not that I don't already feel good about myself because that's important too. He doesn't exactly build me up. He's a pillar that won't let me fall." 

Renjun halts, letting Donghyuck take over the mixing. 

He clears his throat, "And how did you differentiate that from him just being a really good friend?"

The deadpan look Donghyuck shoots him almost offends Renjun, but he needs answers. Even if his questions may sound kind of dumb.

"Well wanting to kiss someone on the lips isn't exactly platonic right?" Donghyuck grunts as he picks up the bowl and starts pouring it into a round tin. Once he's done, he places the bowl in the sink along with the whisk and he looks over at Renjun expectantly.

"You can't let me do everything here," He says in cryptic double connotation fashion and Renjun wordlessly takes over and starts washing the utensils. 

Once they put the cake into the oven and set the timer, Donghyuck jumps up onto the recently cleaned counter and swings his legs. With a sing-song note in his voice, he throws a fastball at Renjun.

"Are you thinking about kissing someone, Renjun?" Donghyuck's mischievous reputation and streak for teasing should warn Renjun to shut up, but Donghyuck looks at him with soft anticipation in the stars of his eyes. And it's enough for Renjun to cave.

Thin lips that curve into a beaming, gummy smile. Cheekbones that rise in time with the adorable puffs that playfully escape as laughter rings out. Charming eyes- 

"I don't know. Maybe?" Renjun grimaces at where his mind had wandered off to. 

_Whom was he thinking about?_

Renjun puts out the mental fire that was the vivid imagery, but he blushes at how real those features painted themselves on his consciousness. Donghyuck doesn't miss the change in Renjun's expression.

"I won't say names but I'm sure you thought of someone." Donghyuck hops off the counter and walks up to him.

"You know, don't think too hard about it. This isn't something to exhaust your mind with. It's not something that _should_ make your brain hurt. Whatever you come to the conclusion of, I'll support you okay? Some things fall together and some things don't." Donghyuck smiles and Renjun suddenly knows why Jeno whines to him about Donghyuck at night, telling Renjun that Donghyuck's smile is the prettiest sunset he has ever seen.

It's corny but true, but Renjun supposes poetry flows easily when you like someone.

┈┈

Renjun wonders why he finds Jisung cute when he's also so stupid. He stalks over from his spot next to Jeno and Jaemin, the three of them having decided to spend their time waiting for Donghyuck, productively watching silly animal videos. Once he's in front of the fallen boy, ungraciously in a pile of limbs, he squats down and rubs his face in exasperation.

"Do you have a death wish from the manager? From _me_? " He doesn't waste a breath and grabs Jisung by the hands, hauling him up. When Jisung doesn't cooperate, Renjun ends up on the floor next to him with Jisung splayed out like a starfish and looking over at Renjun cheekily.

"Hello hyung," Jisung has the audacity to say, moving closer to Renjun like the subtly clingy member he is. Renjun puts a hand out to stop the younger from getting too close.

"Our outfits are already messed up, don't think about wiping your makeup off onto my shirt." He narrows his eyes, chuckling when Jisung's determined smile drops into a small frown.

"You're no fun, just like Jeno hyung." Jisung quips. But he promptly sits up and without asking, helps Renjun sit up too.

"And you have a penchant for trouble. Something I could probably survive without." Renjun gibes back. 

Jisung kicks his foot and Renjun kicks back. They barely avoid falling into a scuffle because Donghyuck has slammed the door open in that moment.

"Get in the car bitches, it's time to go see some fans!" 

Reminded of that one vlive where they were given bunny hats and spent the majority of the vlive hitting each other in the face (and in some unfortunate cases, the eye), Renjun takes to the prop quite instinctively, already adorning himself and looking for Chenle and Jisung to bother.

The two youngest members are nowhere to be found, but Renjun isn't that despondent. He eyes Jeno from the corner of his vision, and launches himself spectacularly at the boy minding his own business.

Well no longer.

His well-aimed hit strikes Jeno in the nose and the boy jumps as high and as befitting of a real rabbit, almost dropping his mic. 

"Calling yourself the pure and innocent member is such a big fat lie," Jeno complains, shifting his body away from Renjun's following hits. Renjun giggles; he's a confirmed sadist who finds inexplicable joy in rattling Lee Jeno.

"No one really believes that anyways. And come back here Jeno!" Renjun says loudly, imitating a war cry, as he trails after the fleeing boy. 

He doesn't make it far in his pursuit, not when Jisung appears out of nowhere and smacks Renjun's cheek in a timed hit with his bunny ear. Renjun spins on his toes to throw the youngest a threatening glare, but any attempts of intimidating the youngest melts out of his system once he sees Jisung standing before him with the ridiculously cute bunny hat on his head.

Jisung cocks his head to the side, fingers pressing down on one of the buttons and effectively tilting his ears so that one ear stands up adorably.

Renjun wants to cry.

When Jisung sees the fight leave Renjun's body and catches sight of the glittering eyes, he scrambles in confusion to make amends.

"Hyung, did I hurt you? Oh god, is there something in the bunny ear? Is that why it hurts?" He frets over Renjun, slightly taller stature drowning out Renjun's usually confident stature.

In this moment, Renjun wants to shrink and disappear. But Jisung is also so naively concerned that Renjun can't help but interrupt Jisung's worrying.

He hugs him to shut him up. 

"How will you survive on your own Jisungie-ah?"

"-You can hit me back, hyung. Wait what?"

Jisung awkwardly brings down his frantic hands and returns the hug. He stares down at Renjun with a mildly insulted quirk of the lips, "Should I be offended?"

Renjun snorts but he's oh so horribly fond as he leans up and whispers into Jisung's ear.

"That's your judgment call."

┈┈

The rain is relentless and Renjun can't help but look morosely out their hotel window. He wants to go out and see the sights, since an opportunity like this doesn't present itself often. But once they left the airplane, arriving at their destination with dusk evidently approaching, the sky quickly grew dark and opened up a deluge of water, washing away Renjun's brimming excitement.

"Your sad face is starting to make me feel guilty," Jeno stands next to him and watches as the vehement droplets of water pound against their balcony. 

"Why are you even here?" Renjun plaintively jabs. He traces a finger against the condensation, absentmindedly drawing an animal. Jeno leans his head against the window, looking at Renjun.

"Keeping you company obviously. Don't know where your roommate ran off to." 

Figures. Renjun pulls his finger away and turns to Jeno.

"I don't mind if you join the others. I can sulk in peace." 

Jeno walks around Renjun, only stopping once he's standing directly behind the older boy. Renjun feels the other lean against his back, wrapping comforting arms around his middle. Jeno's always had a habit of hugging Renjun's waist and picking him up. Renjun isn't fazed.

"I'll send someone to join you, so you won't have to be alone." 

Renjun murmurs an affirmative, hearing the door of the hotel room click behind him as Jeno leaves, too distracted by the crying sky. He watches the streets get paved over by the rain. Lampposts quivering between the hits of water. He should've felt at peace, maybe a bit miffed by the weather interrupting his plans to explore the city, but instead he feels empty. He doesn't know why.

The hotel door clicks open, and Renjun turns around.

"Hyung, do you want to go out with me?" Jisung stands in front of him, in a sweater and hoodie, face mask dangling by one ear.

It doesn't quell the loneliness Renjun feels but he nods, grabbing an umbrella and a face mask.

The rain has let up to a steady drizzle. There are puddles that Renjun makes an active effort to avoid, holding onto Jisung's arm so that the younger boy doesn't accidentally trip into one. Neither of them have said a word, letting the sounds of night life pervade their silent conversation.

Renjun starts humming a popular Chinese song, the one he likes to sing on shows when prompted to sing anything. It's a familiar tune that sounds simultaneously sweet and sad. Jisung tries to hum along, and Renjun throws him an appreciative smile when the harmonies match up.

"Jisung?"

The younger boy side steps a crack in the sidewalk and raises his head at Renjun.

"Do you ever think about how fragile our lives are?"

The contemplative, bordering depressive mood numbs any teasing thought. Jisung grips the umbrella in his hand, having offered to be the one to carry it over their heads because _it made sense to him that way_. Renjun catches a flash of vulnerability in his eyes.

"Yeah." Jisung breathes out, "Always."

Renjun rambles on, letting the cold air carry his thoughts into the damp air.

"I think about how one word can break a relationship or transform it for the better. That fate and plans could uproot me and place me somewhere else." Renjun looks over to make sure Jisung's still listening. "And the thing is, nothing is too sudden. You always have an inkling of what's to come in most cases, some precursor that makes you think what if?" He pauses.

"And usually it's okay, because that's how life is. It can change on a whim or a predictable course, depending on how you go about it. But what if you don't want things to change? What do you do then?"

Renjun places his hand on Jisung's, helping him hold the umbrella. He doesn't miss the unreadable expression in the youngest's eyes. Renjun tightens his grip as Jisung bites his bottom lip.

"Then you do your best to enjoy your time now."

Renjun thinks about it. Perhaps his life guided him to this moment, giving him a chance that he can choose to take or leave. If it works out, Renjun would do his best to cherish his time following after. And if it doesn't, he'll have to do his best to cope.

He stops walking and Jisung makes a sound of confusion.

"Jisung." Renjun drops the hand holding the umbrella, watching fondly as the latter fumbles with the handle - almost dropping the umbrella to the ground. Jisung whines, wants to complain about Renjun surprising him but the younger stills when Renjun says nothing. Jisung faces him in inquiry.

And Renjun looks.

He lets his eyes roam over the squishy cheeks, the cute pouting lips, the eyes that are now frantically looking back at him...

Renjun brings his hands up to cradle Jisung's face.

"I like you." He whispers, leaning up and angling his face towards Jisung. 

The younger boy closes his eyes and Renjun presses his lips against his.

┈┈

Renjun looks out the UV-tinted window of the van, watching as the snow flutter against the glass. Fortunately it isn't a snowstorm, and Renjun had been able to make his way to the Dream van earlier in the crowd, the familiar face of the manager smiling at his approaching figure clad warmly in his winter coat. They share their greetings, but don't drag it out too long because of the cold. Renjun gets in the car.

The drive is peaceful, with the weather permitting them a safe and quick trip to Renjun's final destination. He slides open the door and gingerly takes a step out onto the snow.

"It's been a while hasn't it?" His manager says, tossing him the keys which Renjun grabs with quick reflexes.

"It has." Renjun smiles, giving a nod when the manager gets back in the van and starts pulling out of the parking space. The car is gone and Renjun's standing alone at the foot of the building. He looks up with an undecipherable expression on his face, remembering the number the manager had given him, and enters the premise.

The dorm is too quiet, but it's messy as it has always been regardless of its occupants. Renjun's eyes hover over the pile of dishes in the sink, still waiting to be cleaned, and sees clothes strewn over the couch and some of the chairs. Most of the pieces of clothing are unrecognizable, but Renjun walks over to one sweater in particular. He picks it up and smiles.

"Hyung?"

There's a crash and Renjun turns his head, seeing Park Jisung lying on the ground in a tangle of limbs and clothes.

Relief and adoration washes over Renjun as he laughs and runs over to the young man trying to struggle on his hoodie. He sits down and watches affectionately as Jisung pulls the hoodie over his head, face popping up in embarrassment and shock.

"You're really here, Renjun." Jisung breathes out and Renjun opens his mouth to make a joke.

But he doesn't because Jisung leans forward and crashes his lips onto his, shaking hands cradling Renjun's jaw and cheek.

Renjun kisses him back just as indulgently with a growing smile on his lips, bringing his arms up to encircle Jisung's neck and unconsciously pulls the latter closer. There isn't anything else that matters to Renjun in that moment, not when Jisung's giggling and pulling away teasingly only to dive right back in to capture Renjun's lips. 

He ends up on Jisung's lap, Jisung finally deciding to slow down his fervor - now looking into Renjun's eyes with adoration as clear as broad daylight. Renjun smiles back, lazily pressing kisses to Jisung's exposed skin, a bit embarrassed by the intense attention he's receiving but nonetheless blushing because he knows he wouldn't want it any other way.

"So what are you doing here?" Jisung asks once Renjun's stopped pecking his cheek and is now lying on his shoulder, playfully pinching Jisung's neck to see how high Jisung's pain tolerance _and Renjun tolerance_ is before the younger decides to shove him off his lap. (He knows Jisung would never, that's how whipped he is.)

"I wanted to surprise you first before meeting up altogether at Jaemin and Jeno's dorm for our reunion." Renjun sits up and grabs Jisung's cheeks. He pulls and coos in wonder, purposefully overlooking the unamused expression on Jisung's face.

"Your cheeks are still so stretchy! Am I dating an alien?" Renjun squeals when Jisung does shove him off this time, pouting when Jisung feigns looking the other way, not helping Renjun off the ground.

"Why do I even love you, ugh." Jisung mutters but his annoyance doesn't show when he leans over and kisses Renjun again. Lightly because he knows what Renjun plans to do. 

Jisung pulls away just in time to avoid the older's grabby arms, dodging Renjun's attempt to pull him down onto the ground too. Renjun frowns but then Jisung gives him a cute smile and Renjun feels his inside turn to mush.

With ease, Renjun gets up from the floor and dusts himself off. He looks at Jisung and freezes.

"How the hell did you get even taller? This is so unfair!" He gripes, painfully standing on his tip toes to gauge the new difference in height. Jisung laughs and doesn't stop laughing, grabbing Renjun's wrist as the other tries to swipe at his hair.

"You're so adorable hyung." Jisung grins, now holding both of Renjun's wrists and decreasing the distance between them.

Renjun puts a hand out, effectively stopping the younger man from leaning down to kiss him again.

"Nope, no making out. We should be on our way to seeing the others now. Just because you're my boyfriend doesn't mean you get to monopolize _all_ my time, Jisung-ah." 

"But what if we watch a movie of your choosing...in bed...and we cuddle? Haha, just kidding...unless?"

Jisung raises an eyebrow and Renjun wants to punch his face because he looks unbearably good.

"Only if you text the group chat because I don't want to hear Donghyuck's whining." Renjun's already silencing the chat, pocketing his phone.

"Allow me," Jisung sends the message and immediately turns off his phone as well.

With a wink which sets Renjun's face aflame, he grabs Renjun's hand and pulls him to his bedroom. Renjun eyes the NCT Dream OT7 memorabilia placed on the dresser, and watches with endless fondness as Jisung excitedly grabs his laptop and sits on his bed. He beckons Renjun over, and who is Renjun to refuse the other?

Once they're comfortably situated, with Renjun donning one of Jisung's hoodies, sleeves too long so that they form sweater paws and Renjun takes the opportunity to bat at Jisung's face, Jisung grabs him by the waist and hugs him flush against his side, scrunching his nose so Renjun would stop hitting him. 

It works because Renjun attacks his face with his lips instead, the former enjoying the blush growing prettily on Jisung's face.

"Okay, stop distracting me. I really wanted to watch this and I waited for you so we can watch it together." Jisung grumbles. And Renjun nods, deciding to lean his head against the other.

"You know, I've always worried about how things would change after this." Jisung whispers. 

Renjun knows. It had been on his mind since, but he learned to live with it.

"I did too and I still do, but this, this we can work with." He pauses the movie and turns around in Jisung's loose hug so that he's looking right up at the younger's glimmering eyes.

"I came to Korea years ago to train and become a better singer and dancer." Jisung giggles and Renjun pinches his cheek, "Along the way, I met Mark, Jeno, Donghyuck, Jaemin, Chenle, and you. You guys gave me a family in a new country, and gave me the experiences I treasure in every walk of my career." Renjun smiles but he knows he's tearing up. They're happy tears though. "And I...I've always had problems with being perfect, being my best, that I tended to ignore the helping hands offered to me along the way. Not because I thought relying on someone was inherently weak, but that it makes me feel attached and that's what I feared. And I didn't know where my future lied." Jisung wipes at his tears and Renjun grasps his fingers in his own. "Funnily enough, I learned it's okay to feel the affections and to show more of my feelings to you guys. I realized because times are temporary, it's better to take that leap and enjoy the possibilities than to wonder about it later, you know?"

He brings his hand down, Jisung's fingers still grasped in his.

"And I guess I've been waiting for someone to support me on this journey. And that's how I met you."

He laughs when Jisung angles his face towards him, kissing him. Only to pull back with shining eyes, because Renjun isn't done.

"I was wondering where you were, where have you been all my life?

But actually it was me. Where had I been in those months of insecurity?

Thanks for helping me and supporting me all this time, Jisung.

I'm growing up and I've never felt less lonely."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that is the end.
> 
> this had been a crazy week,,,and i didn't know if i was going to be able to do justice but here we are. i tried to streamline the story so it fit in with real events and part 1: by using references to We Boom promotions, connecting parts from part 1 of this series, relating some of the confusion to my own struggles in life right now, and projecting into the inevitable future. yeah, renjun's with wayv in the final part because knowing sm, I'm pretty sure that's renjun's career trajectory after he graduates. I won't speak more on the topic ;; but I guess tackling this subject gives me some semblance of peace.  
i sincerely hope you enjoyed the fic! ^^ It meant a lot writing it, and if you wanna talk about anything nct-related haha. let me know your thoughts in the comments. until we hear any confirmations, let's all enjoy the time we have now with nct dream.
> 
> youth is fleeting and transient. but maybe that's why it's beautiful.


End file.
